Parenting: Ignoring Negative Behaviors, Not Children
Every child exhibits inappropriate behaviors at times, regardless of whether they have a disability. And all too often we hear the age-old advice “Just ignore it!” This is easier said than done. Completely ignoring something that your child is doing can be hard; it might feel cold and unnatural, not just to you but to your child. A child who isn’t accustomed to being ignored might get angrier and their behaviors could get worse. It is possible, however, to ignore a negative behavior without ignoring your child. Here are some pointers:
Ignoring a behavior does not mean “do nothing.” In fact, effectively ignoring takes a lot of work. First, remove anything that is adding fuel to that behavior. If your child is climbing, place them on the floor and place you or something else to block where they were climbing. If they’re throwing Legos out of the bucket, put the bucket up. If your child is being aggressive to you, a sibling, or an animal, move the object, person or animal out of their reach, stand up, create space.
The next step is to stay neutral. Your attention, good or bad, can be reinforcing to your child. Avoid too much communicating, instead use short statements, like “We’re done with the Legos” or “That isn’t safe,” or say nothing at all! Keep in mind, this isn’t always easy. You might feel angry, frustrated, or want to laugh. Do your best to stay neutral and avoid eye rolling, commenting on the behavior, or cajoling good behavior. There isn’t any need to state that you’re ignoring their behavior; kids are perceptive!
Next, validate feelings and reinforce positive behaviors. “You’re really mad that I took those Legos,” or “I like that you’re taking deep breaths.” Try to pay minimal attention to the bad behaviors. Or remind them what happens next: “When you’re calm again, we can find a new activity.” Be careful with this last one. Make sure you’re not rewarding that bad behavior with a positive consequence, such as “If you calm down, we can watch that show.” Rather, remind them of the things you were going to do anyway before you got unfortunately sidetracked.
Keep in mind, ignoring works for many, but not all behaviors. If your child is trying to escape an instruction or expectation, this isn’t a time to ignore. For example, if they run from the dinner table after being told to stay, follow-through on that direction and have them come back to the dinner table. Lastly, give yourself grace; there are going to be times when ignoring and waiting it out is not an option: you need to get to work, you need to get out of the grocery store, you’ve had a long day. This isn’t an all or nothing technique. Perhaps that age-old advice would be better stated as follows: As much as you can, pay attention to the good behaviors and ignore the bad behaviors.
